The Social Issues Tattler

Tuesday, December 20, 2005
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

A Social Issues Christmas Carol

Ebenezer Stooge .................... Boaz Frankel
Scratchit ............................... Starlyin
Jacob Snarley ........................ ZakJan
Ghost of Christmas Past .......Mr. Enigma
Ghost of Christmas Present ..Lord Merciful Voo
Ghost of Christmas Future ....Intelligent Chatter
Tiny Mind .............................. Isabellah


It was the night of Christmas Eve, a night like any other for Ebenezer Stooge, as he sat at his desk plowing through pages of tedious insults, as his enemy list grew larger around him.

Scratchit: (answering nasty PM's)
Stooge, could I ask you a question about Christmas?

Stooge:
No.

Scratchit:
Please Stooge, I'm only asking for one night of merriment filled with the sounds of laughter and joy. You know Stooge, Christmas sounds.

Stooge: (food dribbling down his chin)
Bah Humfuck! I said no! Now back to work Scratchit. We have people to torment tonight.

Scatchit goes back to answering gossipy PM's

Scratchit:
I just want one night of fun, Christmas is as good as any.

Stooge:
Bah Humfuck! Little wonder you haven't made progress as a bitch in the past five years. If you want a career on Pal Talk radio, you must spend all night, every night, tormenting people to make this room large in numbers. Then, and only then, will a Red Coat show up so we can kiss their ass. Then we get fame and power.

Scratchit goes back to typing, muttering something obscene under her breath. Stooge resumes slinging racial slurs and epithets.

Stooge: (mumbling and scratching his ass)
Bah Humfuck! Damn the do gooders. Why should I waste my time insulting, tormenting, torturing, lying and ridiculing people, if all you want to do Scratchit is play nice at Christmas? Without colossal crowds, I'll never get my status as Admiral Asshole of Social Issues back. Don't you understand I'll use anyone for that?

Jacob Snarley enters the room moaning, shackled with a half used blue name and a ban from a Red Coat.

Snarly:
Green names now, is it?

Stooge is shocked to hear his nemesis in the room.

Stooge: (cleaning out his ears with a fork)
Why, if I didn't know better, I'd swear that is the voice of my old friend, now arch enemy, Jacob Snarley. But it can't be, she is long gone from this program due to my cunning and ruthless ways.

Snarley:
As hateful as ever I see Stooge.

Stooge:
That's right Snarley, but shouldn't you be banned?

Snarley:
I am.

Stooge: ( beginning to shake, after repeated attempts to bounce Snarley from the room)
Go away

Snarley: (laughing)
Not so easy to get rid of me now, is it Stooge? I've come to give you one last chance to change your ugly ways before it's too late. Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts. No Red Coat can help you either.

Snarley leaves the room, moaning loudly as she drags her heavy banning ball and chains.

Stooge tosses off Snarley's warning, and goes back to insulting people in his room. Calling Pluribus a liar, SpicyCajun a sand-nigger lover, MothersBrule a dirty Injun, Jannhere a trouble maker, SwanSongstress a slut, and CharlesNewYork a coward, as he dots and bounces anyone who is not his personal sycophant.


THE PAST


Mr. Enigma enters the room.

Stooge: (shaking with fear, attempting to bounce him)
I thought you were dead?

Enigma (laughing)
My dear man, the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I am here to remind you of what Social Issues use to be. Touch my nightshirt, and come with me back to the beginning.

Stooge's outstretched hand touches the aura of Enigma genius, and suddenly they see all the rooms from years gone by. Stooge is shocked, and racked with painful curiosity.

Enigma: (pointing)
Look! Enigma's Corner. It was a good room for people with brains. Your supercilious shallow attempts to be more than the congenital idiot you are, never bothered me, but they did my friends. Then you made every attempt to destroy what I'd created.

Stooge (trying to look away)
I thought you were all horrible nasty people that had to be obliterated from the face of Social Issues. Like the Muslims, and blacks, and Native Americans and anyone else that didn't act, or think like, me?

Enigma:
See, over there, it's Peppi, Robert, Pstur, Xcalibur, Stefhaj, MomofAngelBaby, Karl Marx, all having fun with my lovely wife Molly and me.

Stooge: (wiping a tear from his eye)
I never knew you were having fun, I thought you were all ugly mean Brits.

Enigma: (pointing to another room)
Social Tissues, remember them? Windy, Maggie Dawson, Hey Richie, KimDeer, Bubzie, Mac_Talla, all minding their own business.

Stooge: (soft voice)
Yes, I remember them. I didn't like them, but you didn't like them either Enigma.

Enigma: (frowning and pointing)
God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason, use them both wisely Stooge. Look there, see those people laughing at Goddess and God snuggling in the corner, and there, Barrister, Boats, Rykelle, Chirper, and Granddad. RunninFerCover, and his funny songs,Tornado and Sabrina sitting in a room made for two. Sensibly Forward and Oooga Booga causing shit. Olivia and her wonderful friends room. Do you remember them?

Stooge (wiping snot on his sleeve)
What happened to them all ?

Enigma:
Some died, some changed their names, some banned for life, while others remained, but were never the same. They couldn't take your horse shit any longer.

Stooge: (looking around)
What happened to Starlyin's room, I don't see it?

Enigma. (waving his egg sandwich in the air)
Her room was the largest, it's over there.

Stooge: (sad voice as he watches)
They are all laughing at Nummy's humor. Tickadeeboo and DuhhMale are teasing Starlyin. Moxy is arguing with everyone. So many people enjoying themselves. And over there I see the Rat Pack, with Karma, Sinatra, Andrea, Getty, Athena, and Pete the Crumb. What a wild bunch. They did enjoy themselves, didn't they?

Enigma:
Yes Stooge, they did, but the best is yet to come. Look!

Stooge (deep sobs)
Show me no more Enigma. If you have a drop of decency, you will stop this torture.

Enigma: (chortling)
Me? Decent? Don't be foolish.

Stooge: (laying on the floor pounding his fists and kicking his feet)
It's my old radio show. The room is flooded with people. I am famous, and Jacob Snarley is right there with me. Take5 too. They are my friends. We are a team. Why? Why? Why are you doing this to me Engima.......Engima?

Stooge is nudged by Scratchit in PM.

Stooge: (wiping tears from his chin)
What do you want now Scratchit?

Scratchit:
Tiny Mind just sent me a message, can she come into the room? After all it's Christmas.

Stooge: (venomous)
Bah Humfuck! Are there no rooms for her to go to with Conservative Atheist? No rooms for the outcasts, the downtrodden, the banished and banned? She is not my problem. Now get back to hate and gossip Scratchit, or there'll be no green name for you.

Scratchit goes back to spreading rumors in PM.



PRESENT

Lord Merciful Voo enters the room

Stooge: (hitting bounce button repeatedly)
Get out of my room, Voo.

Voo: (laughing)
::::: handshake::::: It's Christmas Stooge, relax. You can't bounce me.

Stooge: (corner cringing)
Don't tell me, I know, I have to go with you.

Voo: (laughing louder)
Yes, you do, now touch my ego and we'll be off.

Stooge grabs Voo by the ego, as they soar above Social Issues.

Voo: (cackling loudly)
I said my ego Stooge, and that is not my ego (slaps Stooge's hand). Look at Mainstream Politics, I stole the idea of a political room from SusieQ and Barrister, after my disastrous free-for-all room failed miserably. I'm credited with raising the bar for hate in Social Issues.

Stooge: (in awe)
You sure did Voo, but how do you keep your numbers so high ?

Voo: (twirling his briefs)
Hate my boy, pure, honest, unadulterated, vile, degrading, humiliating hate. Only way to go. It's like a pit bull fight ring in my room. I bring in the poor dumb slobs who want to fight at all costs, toss in two foolish, fame seeking, flesh dripping bones, like Karl and Karen Dances, sprinkle it all with arrogant idiots like Nooogie, Imilac, bwpolecat, Vic RG Swan and Tom Joad (use to be Grandad), give them all hats, and it's the perfect recipe for a Social Issues success story.

Stooge: (sad face)
But I want to be famous.

Voo:
You don't have the brains or balls for it Stooge, you are too wrapped up in being an ass kissing sycophant to the Red Coats. I, on the other hand, don't give a shit about them.

Stooge:
But what about the other rooms. I destroyed them. Doesn't that count for anything?

Voo:
You didn't destroy them, you only destroyed Starlyin's room. The Europe room took the Enigma leftovers, Greeneyes has the abused by Starlyin group, Campingfool the house on wheels idiots, Slammer and Truman got the short bus drop offs, and the rest are walking dead heads who travel from room to room waiting for a train wreck. As soon as any of them smell blood, they swam. I draw first blood, I have the large crowds. I win.

Stooge: (jaw dropping)
My room is shit? People just wasting time till something better comes along?

Voo: (hysterical with laughter)
You got it Bozo Brain. You did all my dirty work, and I didn't have to lift a hate word, you fool. First you drove the decent folks, like Pluribus, Janhere, and SpicyCajun, from your room, and then you got rid of the only drawing card you had ---- MothersBrule. How dumb is that? I snatched up that bit of crazy before you could say "Sioux the bastard". Now my room is so big, I had to give Karl a spin off room.

Stooge: (sobbing)
No! No! I'm the most important person in Social Issues Voo. Me, only me! Voo? Voo? ...........Voo?

Scratchit (shouting on mic)
What's the matter with you Stooge, Voo isn't in the room?

Stooge:
I didn't say Voo, I said Bah Humfuck, and get back to work Scratchit.


FUTURE

Intelligent Chatter enters the room

Stooge: (seeing new name in the room)
Come to the mic, or leave the room now. I need some information from you, so that I can abuse you.

Intelligent Chatter: (smiling)
Stooge, you can't bully me. I am here to show you Social Issues in the Future. Kiss my kindness and follow me.

Stooge:
But, I don't want to go, I'm tired, and afraid.

Intelligent Chatter (hits Stooge over the head with a Christmas bell)
Better?

Stooge: (rubbing side of head)
Yes, thanks, I needed that. Where are we going?

Intelligent Chatter:
I am going to show you the future of Social Issues.

Intelligent Chatter and Stooge arrive in Starlyin's room, where everyone sits quietly staring at a computer tower in the corner on its side and covered with cobwebs.

Stooge: (curious look on face)
Whose computer is that?

Intelligent Chatter:
It's Tiny Mind's, she doesn't need it any longer.

Stooge:
Why?

Intelligent Chatter:
There were no rooms left for her to go to, so she just sat in that corner until one day there was nothing left but a pile of bones. Even then a brain could not be found. So sad.

Stooge: (pointing)
And those people?

Intelligent Chatter:
That old woman unable to move or speak is MothersBruleSioux, she just talked herself out one day, and hasn't moved since. Tickles, why he became so nice , he turned to sugar and was dropped into a coffee mug by mistake. That is Dr. Addy taking everyone's pulse. Goddess is in the corner trying to pick up that old guy from England who died a year ago. We don't have the heart to tell her he's dead, but I guess it doesn't matter any way. That's Charles and Sally over there, playing cheaters checkers, they love to hide each other's teeth for excitement.

Stooge: (in disbelief)
Where is Voo, and the rest of the people? Why no rooms but this one?

Intelligent Chatter:
All gone. Voo tripped over his own tongue and died in the fall. Karl, as always, was right behind him when it happened, but they were unable to pull Karl's head out of Voo's ass before he asphyxiated. Karen Dances jumped off the top of the Google building when she heard the news. Then the rest of his room drowned themselves in political rhetoric. It was horrible.

Stooge:
What about Chat Attack, Joan, Andrea, Luan and Kaboom?

Intelligent Chatter:
Luan and Kaboom married, Joan ran away with Slammer to live in Utah and raise goats. Andrea found Elvis outside of Vegas in a tent, and they are living happily at Graceland. Chat is working for Saturday Night Live, as a writer. Campingfool and Zippergate sell beer to AA members, Tornado changed his name to King of Gondor ,and last heard, he's doing well at the home for the cyberly insane. Crazy Cajun is running for President. Zulu MaGoo her running mate, and all round errand boy. E Pluribus and Janhere have a small porn book store in Utah, and the last that was seen of USMC 48, was in a bell tower screaming... "Top of the world Ma, Top of the world."

Stooge: (scratching his nuts)
The Brits?

Itelligent Chatter: (holding back tears)
They lost their lives during a chip pan fire at Enigma's annual Christmas party.

Stooge:
So it ends like this?

Intelligent Chatter:
I'm afraid so

Stooge:
Bah Humfuck !

Merry Christmas to one and all
The Tattler.